The Ultimate Parody
by Phoenix with a Head Cold
Summary: Don't you just hate all those cliche Harry Potter stories where the two most improbable characters fall in love? Well this is a parody of those. If you like them, you'll like the story, if you hate them, you'll like the story. *This episode* HG/SS
1. Prologue

Don't you just hate those stupid Harry Potter love stories where the two most unlikely people fall in love? Like Hermione and Snape, Ginny and Draco, Harry and Ron, Harry and Sirius, Harry and Neville, Harry and Remus.Well, Harry and every other male Harry Potter character out there? The worst part is all of those stories are SO cliché! Well, if you hate stories like that READ THESE FICS! If you love stories like that READ RUFFLE! Either way it's a win/win situation for us!  
  
Mind you, there will be many grammatical errors, like all the other crappy Harry-Potter-Love-Story-Fanfic-Writers!  
  
Please don't yell at us if we've yelled at you before! We are very hypocritical, but then again we like flames!  
  
Even if you did like the story, FEEL FREE TO FLAME US! We're saving them up to burn Ginny. 


	2. SS Fire and Ice

Ginny and Malfoy: The Odyssey  
  
  
  
Ginny was walking down the hallway, and her red hair was swishing in the sunlight. In her hands she was holding yet another Valentine for Harry. Harry was walking down the hallway with Ron, whose red hair was also swishing in the sunlight. Ginny ran over to Harry and looked into his dazzling green eyes.  
  
"Um.uh.Harry? I made this for you." Her face turned a bright crimson-red.  
  
Harry sneered and looked down at the Valentine. "Uh.thanks, Ginny." He quickly grabbed the Valentine and turned away walking swiftly in the other direction.  
  
Ginny sighed heavily, if only Harry knew of her feelings.  
  
"If only Harry knew of my feelings," she said aloud.  
  
It would make her so happy, to hear him say 'I love you.'  
  
"It would make me so happy, to hear him say 'I love you.'"  
  
She walked away sighing once more.  
  
Harry looked and the poorly cut Valentine, and then turned to Ron.  
  
"Really Ron, what was your sister thinking? Who would write a fanfic of me falling in love with a girl?"  
  
Ron shrugged. Harry then looked at the card.  
  
Deer my beeloved Harri, If onli u new uv the fealings I have four you. It wood make mi so happie, to here u say "I luv u' Luv, Ginny P.S. - I love you so much, Harry, that I would strangle another rooster for you. Petrify another half blood for you. Potentially restore Voldemort again. All for you, Harry.  
  
Harry and Ron burst out laughing, Harry threw the letter behind his shoulder and it coincidentally landed in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom coincidentally.  
  
"Well Ron, I'd better get to Quidditch practice." remarked Harry.  
  
Ron put his arms around Harry's shoulders, "Let's go hit the showers, buddy."  
  
Ginny decided to go visit Moaning Myrtle, whom she had become acquainted with during her "little reign of terror".  
  
She stepped into the bathroom, "Howdy Myr." but she never got to finish. At that moment she noticed a slip of paper that looked suspiciously like her Valentine lying on the floor.  
  
She walked over to it. "Whatever could this be?" She picked it up and looked at its contents, it WAS her Valentine. She burst into tears.  
  
Myrtle floated over to Ginny and immediately assessed the situation. She looked sympathetically at Ginny, "Let it all out, girlfriend."  
  
Suddenly, Malfoy opened the door to one of the stalls.  
  
Ginny looked up, surprised at Malfoy, "Draco? What are you doing here?"  
  
"This is where I write my poetry, it's so much more peaceful and serene and peaceful here, don't you think?"  
  
Ginny stood up, "Well, yes I suppose." She sniffed.  
  
"Ginny, whatever are you crying for?"  
  
"Well Draco, Harry didn't like my Valentine." She looked down, ashamed.  
  
"I'm sorry, Ginny."  
  
"Why Draco, aren't you going to make fun of me?" She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.  
  
"Well Ginny, let's just say if it were me, I wouldn't have thrown the Valentine away."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Well, all these years, I've had a secret passion for you. I don't care about money or material possessions. I only care about the things that, well, you can't touch, things that come from right here," He rested his hand above her heart. Ginny covered his hand, which is right above her breast. " I care about truth, beauty, freedom, but above all things, I believe in love."  
  
"Oh Draco, that's so beautiful! I didn't know you were so sensitive!"  
  
"There's a lot of things you don't know about me, Ginny. For example, did you know I have pet poodle named Fifi?"  
  
Ginny's breathing became heavy and ragged, "I never knew."  
  
All of a sudden the scene goes black and white. Draco is magically wearing a pinstriped suit with a trench coat over it; Ginny is wearing a 40's blouse and skirt with white gloves and a hat that is magically perched on one side of her head.  
  
"Come here, kid." Draco pulls her close and kisses her passionately. "Here's looking at you, baby." They kiss passionately once more.  
  
Ginny was sitting in the corner of the common room, under close observation of her peers. Myrtle had wanted to see Ginny cry again and had told Parvati of the incident. (Parvati, as we all know, cannot keep a secret.)  
  
Ron stalks over to Ginny, "Ginny, how could you do this? You know that Malfoy is bad news!"  
  
Ginny jumps out of her chair, "Draco is not bad news! He loves me for who I am!"  
  
Hermione rushes over to them, "Between us girls, Malfoy cannot provide you with what you need!"  
  
"Maybe he can't provide you with what you need, Hermione, but he provides me with the utmost joy! And that's all I want!" She jumps up on her chair, "All you need is love!" She spins around facing Hermione, "And I'm running away from you, away from Harry, and away from the Gryffindor common room!"  
  
She runs out with her arms flailing, stopping only to help Neville up after she hit him and gave him a bloody nose.  
  
Ginny was wandering aimlessly through the corridors when she coincidentally ran into Draco, literally.  
  
"Ouch!" She cried and fell back.  
  
Draco also stumbled backwards, but caught himself just in time. "Are you alright, Ginny?"  
  
Ginny grimaced in pain, "No, my leg is really hurting me."  
  
Draco examined the leg, "I think it's broken." He looked at his watch, "Well, I'm afraid that it's too late to go and see Madam Pomfrey," What Draco didn't know was Madam Pomfrey was really up all night. "Well, I think we should go somewhere for now," He looks at his surroundings. "Yes, I think we're near."  
  
"Draco," Ginny whimpered, "Please think quickly, my leg is really hurting!"  
  
"Ferula" Draco muttered, "I know of a secret room around here, it won't take long to get there." Draco helped Ginny up, "Can you walk?"  
  
Ginny gingerly put her weight on her newly bandaged leg. She winced and shook her head.  
  
"That's okay," Draco, said, "I'll carry you." Draco swept her up and was surprised at her light form.  
  
"Draco, how did you know about the secret room?"  
  
"I have my ways," Draco replied as he lay Ginny down on the bed.  
  
Ginny thought it funny that even the Marauders didn't know about this secret room, but Draco did, she let it slide, however.  
  
Ginny looked around the room. "But where are you to sleep, Draco? You know I don't believe in premarital relations."  
  
Draco smiled and replied, "Don't worry about me, Ginny. I'll be fine, I just want to know that you're safe." He kissed her forehead, "You just get better, okay?"  
  
Ginny smiled and yawned, she began to close her eyes and promptly fell asleep.  
  
Ginny woke up the next morning with a freshly brewed potion by her bed and Draco asleep in the chair next to her, holding her hand.  
  
She stirred. Draco felt the movement and opened his eyes. He smiled. "Good morning sunshine." He kissed her cheek.  
  
Ginny smiled as a feeling of rightness came over her. She suddenly felt as though she truly belonged. It was the first time in her whole life that any guy had ever paid attention to her without trying to possess her body and try to take over the world.  
  
A/N: Coming up next The Adventures of Hermione and Snape! We hope you enjoyed our story, and if you didn't SCREW YOU! 


	3. SS Prudence & Potions

Love Potion 69 (Hemione/Snape)  
  
  
  
It was Hermione's seventh year, her childish bushy hair was no more, as she learned the magic of conditioner, and she could now get a brush through it. She was now the envy of every girl in Hogwarts, because that is how she is. She was Head Girl, first years idolized her, students tried to be like her, and the teachers loved her. Especially one teacher.  
  
She was sitting in her room finishing her potions homework, it was quite late, she wasn't concentrating as hard as she usually did, but was quite sure she was putting the correct ingredients in. The problem was, as she was now obsessed with her hair, she was constantly brushing it, weakening the roots, and one of the hairs escaped her tie and fell into the potion. The potion fizzled and turned a luminous pink. Hermione, not noticing this, assumed it was only the infusion of wolfs bane and dittany.  
  
  
  
The next day, Hermione presented the potion to the class; she noticed hers wasn't the only potion that was a different colour. In fact, all of the potions varied in colour as this was a very difficult potion to make. She sat down in her usual seat next to Neville and began to chat.  
  
  
  
Snape had noticed a very drastic change in Hermione's appearance, in fact he was even, dare we say it, attracted to her. He didn't know what she had done to her hair, but he wanted in on it. Maybe she could give him tips on his own hair. He brought his hand up to the horrid thing, so greasy, how he longed for a shining head of curls, but as the grease weighted his hair down, this could never be.  
  
He sneered as he noticed the colour of Hermione's potion. That wasn't how an Imbecile Draught was supposed to look, he'd expected better of her! He would have to show her how wrong it was to be careless with her potions; he would have to make her test it.  
  
"So Ms. Granger, are you sure you have your potion correct?" His slithered up to her and put his hand on her shoulder.  
  
"Yes sir," She said, looking up to him.  
  
"Are you quite sure?"  
  
"Well, yes." She replied, getting quite annoyed.  
  
"Since you are so sure that you are correct are you willing to try it?"  
  
"But sir, this is an Imbecile Draught," she stated, scandalized, "If I took it, the results would be-"  
  
"Take it! Naaaaaah! Naaaaaah!" Snape started making annoying badger noises, as he usually did to persuade the class to take potions.  
  
"But sir-"  
  
"NAAAAAAH!"  
  
Hermione sighed, she couldn't resist the badger noises, she reluctantly picked up the potion and brought it to her lips.  
  
Snape began gyrating, "Drink the potion! NAAAAAH! Drink the potion! NAAAAH!" he chanted over and over.  
  
Hermione became hypnotized by his ass; she took a sip of the potion, and immediately blacked out.  
  
  
  
Half the class gathered around Hermione, anxious whispers were breaking out among the Gryffindors, and the Slytherins, who were on the other side of the dungeon, were celebrating, bottles of butterbeer were being passed around.  
  
Snape rushed over to Hermione. "Ms. Granger! Ms. Granger! Are you alright?"  
  
Her eyes fluttered open, "Ay me."  
  
"She speaks! O, speak again, bright angel!" Snape requested.  
  
"Seeeeevvvveruuuuuuus." She trilled seductively as she trailed her finger down his chest. It was apparent that she had accidentally concocted a love potion.  
  
Snape thrust his arm out to the class in a brandishing way, "Class dismissed!" he shouted as he got a "happy feeling" in his pants.  
  
The class looked worriedly at their professor and rushed out of the room.  
  
Snape sighed and looked at Hemione, licking his lips. "Why hello, Ms. Granger. So we're finally alone."  
  
"So we are, Professor." She sat up and looked around the room, then to his hooked nose and greasy hair. "I've always wanted to feel your hair. It looks so shiny and smooth, may I?"  
  
Snape, caught up in the moment forgot that his hair was really icky and greasy, he bent his head forward. Hermione eagerly thrust her hands into his hair, massaging his scalp. She immediately drew back.  
  
"Why Snape, your hair.it's greasy." She flung her hand away from her and grease splattered onto the wall.  
  
(A/N: Okay, so maybe that wasn't so cliché, but you know, we just don't like Snapie/Hermione fics.)  
  
"Forget that baby, let's shag!"  
  
Hermione nodded. "I've got a better idea, let's ROLEPLAY shag!"  
  
Snape brightened up. "That's a great idea!"  
  
  
  
Hermione sat at her desk taking a potion's quiz. Snape looked at the clock. "Your time is up, Ms. Granger. I have to check your paper, now."  
  
"Yes, sir." She said, handing over her paper.  
  
Snape looked down. "Ms. Granger, I'm afraid you've gotten an F."  
  
"An F! But Professor." She protested.  
  
"It's time for some PUNISHMENT!" He growled, leaping on her,  
  
  
  
At the end of the year Hermione graduated. Top of her class, Head Girl, Prefect, perfect hair, perfect teeth, and the only Gryffindor in years to get an A+ in Potions.  
  
  
  
A/N: WOW! We were absolutely overwhelmed with the feedback we got from this story! We never expected this many people to review! Considering, well, some people think we're stoners, (coughChifladocough). Besides, we've got pixy stix and Code Red Mountain Dew we don't need that stuff! Hey, at least they gave us a flame. 


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